I Love You This Much
by Farm
Summary: Draco's at his father's funeral and reflects on who he is, and who his father was.


I know I haven't been writing anything lately. This is because I just don't really need to write fanfiction anymore. BUT because I hear this song like 2 times a day everyday, I needed to write this because every time I hear it I think of the relationship between Draco and Lucius.   
  
The song is "I Love You This Much" by Jimmy Wayne and I took out the last two parts of the song because it wouldn't go with the fanfic because it has to do with him realizing that he was loved by God all his life even if his father didn't love him. So hear it goes. It's short, it's complete, and it should be sad.

****

I Love You This Much

A droplet of water floated down from the battling clouds in the sky. As the rain fell and mingled with the luscious, green grass, tears mingled with the soft flesh of everyone's checks. All except for one young man, the one person who people thought would grief the most other than his mother of course. But there were no tears for the now eldest male Malfoy to shed over the loss of his father, the late Lucius Malfoy. Some people would think of him as a cold, heartless and even bitter, but he was just doing as Father instructed. _An honorable man never shows emotion, do you hear me Draco? With no emotion a man cannot be judged based on feelings, but on reputation_. So by being callous Draco was biding the will of the dead.   
  
All umbrellas were up, creating a black border around the closed casket that contained the body of his father. Mascara was running along the face of Narcissa, now a widow, as her son held the protection over both their heads. Though his head was bowed Draco still showed no hints of sadness, or anger, or hate. Just a dull line upon his lips and a blank stare in his eyes, the same expression he wore everyday of his life because he was instructed to.  
  
Why would someone actually listen to the advice of an arrogant, selfish man such as Lucius Malfoy? Ever since his father passed away Draco asked himself this and he could never come up with a descent excuse to cover up for what the actual reason was. He allowed his father to manipulate him just so Lucius would take notice to his only son, even if it were only with scrutiny and malice. Draco just wanted to receive the love from his father that he himself was always told he could give.   


He can't remember the times that he thought  
Does my daddy love me?  
Probably not  
But that didn't stop him from wishing that he did  
Didn't keep him from wanting or worshiping him  


  
They all were given a black rose to place on the coffin as it was lowered into the ground, say a word or prayer, and then move on with their lives. People were presenting speeches and Draco was asked to recite or read one last, being the only son of Mr. Malfoy. Draco wasn't allowed to refuse the orders of his mother, but he had doubts about his vocal abilities in front of the tens of people that he didn't know. Hundreds were invited, but the weather permitting, only about 40 came. This, in all, was much less than Draco anticipated and he gave a quick sigh for that.  
  
Next to him, Narcissa coughed to get Draco's attention. He missed his cue but that didn't mean he wasn't going to go out with a bang.  


__

  
He guesses he saw him about once a year  
He could still feel the way he felt  
Standing in tears  
Stretching his arms out as far as they'd go  
Whispering daddy, I want you to know  


  
Knowing that Narcissa would want the umbrella, Draco handed the accessory to his mother and walked up to where the last person just finished with their own spiel. He was becoming saturated as the rainwater pelted down on his entire body. He didn't know what to do with his rose, so he just held onto it, twirled it in his fingers. He had a written speech prepared, but the rain would just melt the words together.  
  
Inhaling deeply, Draco cleared his throat to begin.  
  
"I was never allowed to feel anything about anyone, not some girl at school, not my pet owl, not even my own parents. This was my fathers doing, he was controlling everything I thought and all that I said. None of my actions were my own until now. Though the influence of my father has altered the way I am in life, I still value all that he has done for me, all that he will still do.   
  
"Thanks to my father I shouldn't be permitted to love a woman enough to claim her as my wife, nor will I be able to show affection to my children, friends and coworkers. No one, ever, should know how I am feeling. Because that is what an honorable man would do, keep up his reputation not his moods.   
  
"So, what I'm trying to say is that I can't miss my father, and I can't be somber, angry, or upset by his death, because that is what he has always told me. But for once in my life I just want to say how I believe I should feel, and all that I probably do feel.  
  
"I appreciate everything about my father and I should really be thanking him for the man he has made me. And so I say 'thank you father, for making me the heartless and cruel beast that I am'."  


__

I love you this much and I'm waiting on you  
To make up your mind, do you love me to?  
However long it takes  
I'm never giving up  
No matter what, I love you this much  
  
  
Draco expected some people to be shocked because of his unkind words about his deceased father, but he didn't expect the understanding silence to follow him as he stepped back to his drenched chair. Everyone at the funeral had at one point suffered the wrath of Lucius Malfoy and could all relate to what he had said. And this scared Draco, because of all the people that knew his father, no one had the courage to actually tell him off, or stand up to him.  
  
_How could one man be vulgar towards so many people? And to think, I was raised by this horror to society._

__

He grew to hate him for what he had done  
'Cause what kind of a father, could do that to his son  
He said 'damn you daddy', the day that he died  
The man didn't blink, but the little boy cried

  
Everyone left, whether or not they each got to place the flower upon the grave. Draco stayed behind to watch the casket be buried beneath the ground, never to be seen again by a human eye. Not even his mother could stand around and bear to watch this event. Draco could of course, because he is his father's son.   
  
Draco knelt down in front of newest tombstone added to the Malfoy family cemetery. Beneath his name it read "An honorable man" which Draco knew now was a lie, but believed it anyway. The same black rose was present in his palm as he tore out a dying petal and placed it in his coat pocket, then placed the remains of the flower onto his father's grave.   
  
Before he could leave there was something inside that he always wanted to tell his dad, his mentor, and his guide.   
  
_I love you_  
  
He didn't let those three deadly words pass past his lips but he thought them hard enough that he knew that if his father could hear him talk, he could hear this thought. As he did so Draco did something that he could never remember doing before, he shed one single tear for his father.  
  
But it could have just been a droplet of water that floated down from the battling clouds in the sky.  


  
_I love you this much and I'm waiting on you  
To make up your mind, do you love me to?  
However long it takes  
I'm never giving up  
No matter what, I love you this much_

Thanks for reading, reviews are welcome. Don't tell me about the spelling, or the grammar, I do not care.

n_n


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